Dented and Scratched

 My car is dented and scratched. I've driven it a while now so that's not surprising. I'm sure along the way flying rocks and who knows what have added little imperfections all over the vehicle. I don't stress out over it but there's one spot that bothers me. 

Don't mind the dirt!

I hate this spot. Because it reminds me of one year ago today. Exactly. I talked about the details of that day here so I won't replay them completely. But I was in shock. We had no warning. We thought this couldn't happen again. Ryan had met me at the hospital which meant I had to drive home alone. I had to drive 30 minutes back home, by myself, with the child inside me who was no longer living. As I parked that day in the parking garage, I had to choose the spot next to the big yellow pole. I just had to get too close and rub my car up against a bright yellow pole so that from that day forward, every time I looked at the spot on my car, I'd remember. I recall not being in a great mood that day. I parked and was annoyed that I'd scratched up my car. Ryan and I were frustrated with each other. Nothing could have prepared us. Nothing could have held up a big poster-board sign saying "IT DOESN'T MATTER." The car doesn't matter. Whatever you're arguing about doesn't matter. Your world is about to be rocked. Again.

With a big lump in my throat now, I feel like I was probably supposed to hit the pole that day. Just because I'm like that and I tend to think silly things like that have significance. I think maybe I'm supposed to be reminded of that day each time I see the scratches. I wonder if one day I'll get to put a baby in that car again and maybe I'll see the scratch as I open up the door. I'll remember and I'll hold him just a little bit closer. I'll kiss her on the head and I'll remember. And I'll say "thank you."

I realize that not unlike my car, my heart has been dented and scratched too in a way I can't ever undo. A friend just recently went through a miscarriage and said,

I certainly did not (I don't think you can) grasp the gravity of something like this until you personally walk through it. It is a different pain than I have ever known.

I couldn't agree more. Before we lost a baby, I had no clue what it was like. I didn't offer consolation to the very few people I'd known who had been through one because I didn't realize. It's not even on your radar. I assume it's like anything else. I don't know what it's like to lose a mother, because I haven't lost mine. I don't understand the feelings parents have when they get a call that their teenager was killed in an accident. Lord willing, I never will. Now that we have lost two pregnancies, the number of people we know who have also walked this road has grown. So I don't pretend that we're the only ones!

I want to use what we've been through to help others. We talked about that in Sunday School some yesterday. We don't go through trials only for ourselves. As Michael said, heaven forbid we share with someone what we're going through! Then they would...know! I hope to do more of that this year on my blog, specifically with other health issues and what we found from the testing we did last April.

Today on March 4th, one year later, I write this as a memory to my sweet, third baby. I hope you know how excited we were and how much we wanted you. I can't wait to see and hold you one day and know that YOU were the one. You will always hold a place in our hearts and one day, in our arms as well.