February 23rd. Where has this month gone? 

I'm really looking forward to March. My brother is getting married! This is the first of my siblings to get married and we're very excited to welcome Kristen into our family. Ryan and I will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. I'll turn a number past 30. It's the beginning of SPRING. I've always liked March. 

There are some approaching memories though that make me sad too. March 4th, 2013 Ryan and I headed to the doctor for a sonogram. It was an awful, horrible, no-good day. A day that will haunt me for the rest of my life as we heard the words, "Guys I'm not finding a heartbeat." March 6th, two days later I had a d&c. And no more nursery plans. No more sonograms. Our second loss. 

What to say...

A few weeks ago I laid in bed and sobbed. I hadn't done that in a long time and it felt very cleansing. I started off sharing something Karlyn had said with Ryan and ended up deeply mourning the loss of our babies. I miss them.

I told someone, I wish I could hear from God. I wish I heard His audible voice saying, go this way. No, wait. Run this test. Take this supplement. Don't do that anymore. Rest. Carry on like normal. Try this drug. Stop trying. Keep trying.

That would really be helpful. But I'm left trying to wade through this on my own. Researching. Reading. Trial and error. I don't think I've shared this before on my blog - in fact I'm sure I haven't - but I've been dealing with some chronic pain we'll call it, again. I've dealt with this off and on since Ryan and I got married. It went away after Karlyn was born but came back with the first miscarriage. It's awful. It makes me feel crummy and it hurts. HALF THE TIME. That's how often it's occurring and I'm so tired of it. I've tried so many things, talked to so many doctors and here I am still. It's partly genetic. But - I am trying something new in March.

A cleanse.

I've never been high on cleansing. It sounds kinda...uh...fake. And for the most part, I think a cleanse of sorts can be done by cutting out a lot of the crap in our diets and eating/exercising well. But, I'm going to try it. Both to deal with the issue I'm having and to see if it helps us on our journey.

It's a fertility cleanse. And I'm really excited about it. I read some amazing testimonials and reviews and I've gained a lot of insightful information from their website. I'm going to couple the cleanse with a few other things...trading in some weights for cardiovascular exercise, vitamins, maybe less meat. The cleanse wasn't cheap! But I'm so ready to feel better. This pain drives me crazy and honestly interferes with life in general.

So. We shall see.


I DID finish up 8 weeks of heavy weight lifting! And I'm proud of that. The last week I kind of slacked off but still managed to work out twice. I am definitely STRONGER than when I started as I watched the amount of weight I could lift go up each week. And I gained about 4 lbs. That makes me very happy.  :) I needed to and still want to gain some more. Here are some before/after pictures. 

I think my lats grew?

December 30 - February 22

Here's a couple more just for fun. :>

No, I haven't turned into the incredible hulk. 

I'm going to keep lifting. It's fun. I enjoy it and it's a stress-reliever. I just need to add in some cardio. Not because I love it (I don't) but because I need to move. 


Amanda said...

Looooooove you friend! And March is the beginning of our team! Watch out world!

Jo Beth said...

I can't believe I lived with your for a school year and never knew about this pain. Man, I am a jerk who was too absorbed in my own life. I am excited to read how the cleanse goes. I have another friend who is also in a deep battle with fertility issues perhaps I could point her to this?

Praying for you as you keep growing. - Jo Beth

Kati said...

Jo Beth,

You are not a jerk! ha. :) The pain didn't start until after college. I will PM you on FB more info about the cleanse. Thank you for your prayers.