6/12/16

A Nursery, Redeemed

I knew I would write this all down one day. And I kept telling myself, do it. Just start. I gave myself monthly deadlines...three months, four months and here we are at six months + and I'm finally beginning to write.

I very vividly remember sitting in the floor of what is now Krosby's room before she was born. Like before I was pregnant before. When we moved into this house I knew that if we did ever have another baby, that room would be the nursery. So all of the baby items went in that closet - and it was full. Not a lot else went into the actual room; for a few months we called it Karlyn's playroom which was a nice way of saying her own bedroom had too many toys so the overflow had to go.

Every now and then I would look inside the "baby closet" and wonder what to do with all of it. Should we keep it? Sell it? Keep holding on to hope that one day we'd have a use for it? There were gobs of clothes in all sizes and containers and one day I got really upset and just started stuffing all the clothes into trash bags. Stuff, Stuff, Stuff. I don't know - I guess it made me feel better to get it out of sight. Then we replaced Karlyn's toddler bed (which was the converted crib) with a twin bed so the crib parts had to go somewhere. I stuffed those into the closet too which was awkward amidst all the trash bags about to split because they were so full. I didn't care. I jammed it all in there and closed the door. And we kept the bedroom door closed.

Then one day I decided to go through the clothes. I would get rid of some of them and keep the sentimental ones. So I pulled them out and started placing them into piles by size. I talked to some moms about coming to look through clothes they might want, but they didn't end up coming; I told them I'd changed my mind. I literally was torn as to what to do.

It was not a good day. I was home from work and maybe I'd gone to the gym afterward. I can't remember. But I know I had just heard some disappointing news about a job opportunity that had fallen through. They didn't want me to come in for an interview, it wasn't going to workout, etc. I thought, why can nothing ever work for me? I was so mad. So upset. So teary. I sat on the floor in the would-be nursery room and just cried and got mad. I felt so low and like everything was constantly being ripped away from me. I was so stuck in the middle of our circumstances, so unsure if there would ever be a rainbow from the storms we'd weathered. So angry that I sat in the middle of stacks and stacks of Karlyn's baby clothes, each one sending a fresh wave of grief over my heart and I said to God,

"I will never forgive you for messing up my life."

I don't even know how to continue writing after that. But that is what I said, I'm pretty sure out loud. And it's embarrassing. There are so many theologically incorrect things about that statement that I can't even begin to unravel them. 

Who was I to forgive God of anything? 

Had He caused all this?

Was my life permanently and forever messed up? 

Did I have no other tangible blessings in my life beyond what I wanted at the moment - another child?

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I honestly can't remember where we were in our journey when that took place. We had two baby losses in our first house and two here so I imagine that we hadn't begun working with our RE at that time. I can't remember because it's all gotten fuzzy and the timeline overlaps.

Regardless, time went on. The clothes went back into the closet. Everything went back into the closet. And we waited. Tried again, and again and again, and then waited some more.

And then one day I saw those two pink lines. I was simultaneously ecstatic and terrified for basically the next three months. Was I finally going to get my nursery?

As I said at the beginning, I've known I would write this for quite some time. And I knew what I would title it too. Of course. What else would I call the story of how the room where I once voiced so much hurt became something to step inside and marvel at.

My heart began to hope and to heal little by little throughout the pregnancy. And as paint was picked out, bedding chosen, themes discussed - our baby's room took shape. I had an amazingly talented friend help me with much of it. She found things I instantly fell in love with, I added in some of my own design and what came together is a place I have fallen in love with. A door I love to open. 

There were numerous texts back and forth, shopping trips, rearranging of furniture, and two stripe-painting parties. "All the things" drug out of the closet, washed, sorted and put back in. Clothes folded. Crib assembled. Curtains hung.

For the first six months Krosby stayed in our room and honestly her room didn't see much use. Since she was sleeping and napping on our bed and I was feeding her there, I really only went in the nursery to change her diaper sometimes or pick out clothes. We didn't rock in the chair; she didn't sleep in her bed. And then I started to get kind of sad. I was like, why am I not using this nursery?! She's going to be a year old if I don't get in there, move her in there and start really enjoying the space we'd created. Plus, it was beginning to be time (for me) to have her in a different room. So we started the process and she's napping in there now, as a matter of fact. :-) It's only been a few nights but I love sitting in there at night with the lamp on after her bath. Seeing the beautiful wall with her name, noticing the details and thought that went into the room I had hoped for, for so long. 

A room where I once sat and in my despair, blamed God. So ashamed. So raw. And yet, He knew. In His grace He was preparing it all along. With every loss - one, two, three, four...He knew that she was coming. And He knew she'd need a room. He was preparing it with every step and preparing my heart to fall in humble gratitude at His feet, to ask forgiveness for not believing. Forgiveness for thinking that He couldn't be trusted to bring about the best. For thinking that somehow things were becoming messed up. For not understanding that often God brings us to the end of ourselves before he will use us for His glory.

My sweet girl is everything I hoped for. And so is her room~

A Nursery, Redeemed.









































You are loved sweet girl.



Dresser and Crib ~ Target
Navy/White Chevron Basket ~ ROSS
Gold Dot Changing Pad Cover ~ Land of Nod
Gold Flower Wall Hanging ~ Kirkland's
Bronze Bow Hooks ~ Land of Nod
Diaper Pail ~ Target
Wooded Name ~ Etsy (CucumberAppleStudio)
Crib Sheet and Rail Cover ~ Caden Lane
Crib Skirt ~ Hobby Lobby
White Faux Fur Rug ~ HomeGoods
Gold Spike Decor ~ Target
Metal Toy Basket ~ Target
Curtains ~ HomeGoods
Curtain Rod ~ Target
Lamp ~ Target
Geo Pattern Side Table ~ Lowe's
Beautiful Girl Print ~ Hobby Lobby
Floral Throw ~ Caden Lane
Floating Shelves ~ Kohl's
Gold Letter "K" ~ Kirkland's


4/25/16

Boon Flair Find & Bedazzled Baby

I don't spend money on a lot of things. Jeans, running shoes, hair color. Those are big ticket items for me but for most things, I'm happy to wait until they go on sale and enjoy the challenge of finding a good deal. I am my mother's daughter!

Krosby has Karlyn's old crib, dresser, glider, and plenty of hand-me-down clothes so I don't feel too guilty when I buy her new items of her own. I can't remember when I first came across the highchair of my dreams, but I did and I was sold. I wanted this one bad!

Oh but don't worry. Amazon has it for $229.00!

There was still no way I was going to pay over two hundred dollars for a highchair. Back around Christmas a fellow blogger tipped us off to a sale on them for $160.00 but by the time I saw it, Wal-Mart was out of stock. Diapers.com had a sale too but we decided to wait, thinking surely it would go on sale again by the time we needed it.

Recently I'd started refreshing my browser daily just to check! I think one of the biggest selling points to me was NO FABRIC. The all plastic and smooth materials were going to make it a snap to wipe down after messy meals and I loved the adjustable height feature. Plus, it just looked cool! Amazon gave amazing reviews and so little by little my heart was set on it. I knew exactly where I would put it and I could picture it there, sitting sweetly under the calendar. :-)

I'm part of a large moms group on Facebook so a few days ago I threw out that I was wanting a boon flair. One of the girls said her sister had found one at a garage sale for $30! Fast-forward to this past Saturday morning and another sweet momma snapped and posted a pic of the very chair I wanted at a Kid-to-Kid resale shop about an hour away. Ahhh! #BlessHer I called and asked a few questions to make sure it was in decent shape and then requested that they hold it for me. Krosby and I set out for a weekend drive which was actually really relaxing because she slept the whole time while I jammed out to the radio. <It's the little things.>



We made it there in no time and I gave it the once over. I even had to pull up the video on it because I couldn't figure out the pneumatic lift. Tip: Pull/Push hard! You can watch here to see how it works!


An employee helped me load it up and we were off! What a steal! It was also my lucky day because I was able to meet up with a friend from college that I hadn't seen since I was pregnant with Karlyn. She lived in the area so Krosby and I got to check out her super-cool house (I love older homes with character AND the previous owner left her with top of the line high-end kitchen appliances!) and we caught up on life over Torchy's Tacos. It was seriously such a fun day and totally out of the norm for me. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to see her! We actually lived together for one Summer right after college, in Indiana. Crazy!



**********

On Sunday, I got my boon flair all cleaned up and wheeled into place. Oh yes. It rolls! But...not before I let my smallest child roll off the ottoman. 

Ya'll. I was horrified! This is what happened. I left for an hour on Sunday to go to the gym and returned home to this bedazzled baby. Karlyn had gotten a bracelet set with her Nona and with daddy's help decided to decorate her younger sister. I thought it was so funny so of course I was trying to get a picture. After I took a few I turned around for a split-second and whlop! There she goes. I had just told the dog to hop off the chair so I don't know for sure if he knocked her slightly or if she rolled all on her own (I think she did) and landed on the floor. Luckily she is squishy and the ottoman is not very high. But I still hated it and it scared me for a second. She cried for about a minute and then was fine. I guess we got that milestone out of the way. :-0 





Ta-Da!




So that was my weekend. I still can't believe the highchair I really wanted is sitting in my kitchen! I plan on replacing the pad with one of the colored ones - probably orange. Even though Krosby isn't ready for it yet, it's so fun to have it waiting on us for those first baby foods!