Another loss

This week 100% did not go the way we had planned. Not in the slightest. We expected to wake up Monday morning, go to work, and then see a wriggling, growing baby at our sono appointment that afternoon. If we'd known, we probably wouldn't have argued all weekend over dumb, dumb stuff. 

I think we may have known before she ever said anything. A quiet sonographer is not a good thing. Up pops the baby and she says "hi baby!" like she always does. To me it looked a little bigger but it wasn't moving like we thought it might. I wasn't even thinking about hearing the heartbeat, but I couldn't see it. I didn't see it flashing. Quiet. I watched as she drew the measuring line across the baby's length. I almost said..."Is everything okay?" But I didn't. I just sat there. Then the news that rocked our world.

"Guys I'm not finding a heartbeat today."

I said, "please don't say that." And I knew. It was over. I don't think I could even look at Ryan. I just sat there. Frozen. I was supposed to be 10 weeks along and she said it looked like the baby had stopped growing about a week before that. It felt like a dream. An awful horrible dream that could not be happening. Again. This freaking cannot be real.

The doctor came in and I said, "I can't do this again," and she hugged me. To be honest, she talked for a while about who knows what. Testing this, that, looking at this. It was all kind of a blur and I just could not for the life of me believe this was happening. I did tell her that I did not want to go through the miscarriage at home again. She told me we could schedule a D&C for Wednesday and that she truly felt that nothing was going to happen before then. I said, "this is probably a dumb question but is there any chance of not hearing the heartbeat now, but hearing it later?" She said no. We had heard it just two weeks before at our first sonogram.

She told us to go home and just sit and think about we wanted to do. I didn't have to think though. I called their office from the driveway of our house and left a message to schedule the surgery. I cried and texted friends and cried some more. Ryan and I got out of the house for a bit. At first I wished that we could schedule the surgery for the next day instead of waiting but I think it actually gave me time to process. I cried off and on all day Tuesday. I had two friends come over Monday and Tuesday that I so appreciated. One even brought dessert. I took a Tylenol PM that night because I couldn't sleep. 

Wednesday morning went about as awful as it could. Karlyn was somewhat sick and we were trying to get her ready to leave so that we could leave. Then both toilets decided to overflow. Lovely. We finally got ready to go and had the house picked up somewhat to come home to. Luckily Ryan's mom came over to wait for our plumbers to get here and it was resolved quickly. 

I never even knew what a D&C was until I googled it a couple years ago. I didn't like the sound of it. But my options were that or wait until it happened on its own. I just couldn't do that and see all of it. We got checked in and I got taken back to be prepped and get an IV. After two failed attempts by the sweet nurse, the anesthesiologist got it it no problem. That was fun. I didn't cry all morning until my doctor came in to talk to us before they took me back for surgery. I told her that it felt like we just did this. And we did. 10 months ago. She told me what would happen and away we went. The medicine kicked in and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. 

It went fairly smooth aside from trying to regulate the bleeding afterwards. A shot and some other meds seemed to do the trick. Ryan got worried because I was back there quite a bit longer than they'd anticipated but he finally got to come back and see me. Once they checked in with my doctor again, I got to leave after some juice and crackers. I don't think I cried the rest of that day. 

Honestly I feel a little numb right now. I can't really explain it but I do know I have felt the hundreds of prayers that have gone up for us. We so greatly appreciate it. It just feels different this time. Maybe I'm accepting it earlier? Dealing with it? I just feel like we've been here before, done this before. And it's different the second time. I know we came through the first one and can do the same. I know my hormones are on a downward slide and will be for a while so a complete meltdown is probably coming. I do feel a peace and hope for the future. We just aren't sure what that looks like right now.

I am so thankful for everyone's sweet words, thoughts, and prayers. God has a plan in all of this even if we don't see it now. I want Karlyn to have a sibling. Desperately. I just don't know when that's going to be. I don't have to know all the answers - I can't even form the questions right now. We are trying to have faith that God's ways are higher than our own and that in time, He will grant us our heart's desire.

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