Pregnancy {Real Talk} ~ 35 Weeks

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. And while I've enjoyed doing the pregnancy update posts, I figured it was time for some real talk. Like all the 5 million thoughts that are swirling through my head right now as I try to take it all in. And pee for the 37th time.

I have my written and mental to-do lists, much of which is getting checked off. I sleep horribly every third night. I look at Karlyn and can't believe that what we've all been waiting for, for so long is finally about to happen. She's going to be a big sister. And she won't be my only baby.

That's hard to swallow. But I love it! I love her so, SO much. <seriously, I can't even get comfortable to type this>...one more pillow...right...there.

She has been our only one for almost five years now and I wonder how I'll love her sister just as much. How my heart can possibly expand to contain all the feelings I feel for her, x2. What she'll think...if she'll feel jealous. I honestly think she's going to eat it up.

I can't imagine going five more weeks. But in reality, the weeks have been ticking by at a rapid pace. Even being home now and not having to "go into the office" our days are filled with stuff and before you know it, I'm making dinner again and it's time for bed. One more tally mark. One day closer. I had Karlyn at 38.5 weeks. And I know my doctor wants to watch things closely (thus the weekly sonograms) because of the blood thinner shots. I said I didn't want to be induced and hoped I'd go into labor on my own this time. Ask me if I feel that way in a few weeks. I had an issue pop up with Karlyn at 38 weeks that led to us inducing and I have no idea if that will happen again. ouch.

That brings us to labor. I'm getting to the point where you realize, yep. This baby's going to have to come out of me. Somehow, someway, it's going down. And how the heck is that going to be? I read Ina May's Guide to Natural Childbirth. I've been falling asleep listening to some Hypnobabies. I told my mom that I wanted to go without an epidural this time to which she replied that if she could do it eight times, I could do it once! :-) The thing is though, my mom is a lot tougher than I am. Maybe. I don't know. I'm scared. Scared because I think I CAN do it but I might not and...I'm scared to put it out there and then things not go that way. Honestly, I'm just not one to write out this specific birth plan with how I want things to go, down to the letter. There's too many variables. And I had a pretty darn good epidural experience with Karlyn. So we'll see. I have birth affirmations in the notes section of my phone. I remember at one point telling myself that if I ever got the chance to have another baby, I wanted to do it without drugs because there was no way the pain could be worse than the heart-searing pain of losing a baby. Now doesn't that sound good, in theory? What about when I'm at a 6.5 again, feeling panicky...

My emotions have gotten the best of me. I cry during Parenthood episodes now and yell at Ryan for turning off the light when I needed to see. :-0 I can't believe this is really about to happen. I told him the other day, I can't believe we even got pregnant. What in the world. Just like that? And he said it just proved that God was in control.

I wonder how I'll do with two, especially when he goes back to work and I worry about postpartum depression. I had a pretty bad case of it there for a little while with Karlyn and it scares me - although I do feel like I have a few more tools in my belt than I did at that time. (vitamins, supplements, diet) But the lack of sleep is just killer.

What else. I've thrown some things into my hospital bag. We have diapers for a few weeks but no wipes. :> Her nursery is close to done... I've gained about as much weight as I did with Karlyn at this time. I have to pee an extraordinarily crazy amount of times. I want to just hang out with a bag of frozen fruit, some Netflix, and wait for her to get here. Three weeks? Five weeks?

I wonder if she will look like Karlyn and I look at Karlyn and wonder how she is almost five years old. She's gotten so tall and she just LOOKS older. She is my buddy, my joy, and has been my gift all wrapped into our child for these past few years and now that's all about to change. So we snuggle a few extra minutes in the morning and take walks together and I want her to stop growing. She thinks it's super cool that Krosby's car seat is already installed and she kept saying, "I feel so big!" sitting next to it.

I know I am going to miss this pregnant belly. Miss watching it move around and knowing my miracle is inside. There are just a million emotions that are floating around at any given second + tired + hungry + I still need to do x,y,z.

But the truth is, this little girl has a mom, dad and sister who are ever so eager to meet her. Whenever and however she gets here, it's going to be amazing.

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