I really meant to write this post weeks ago, more towards the beginning. But between work, feeling sick, and other stuff it just got pushed.
From the beginning of this pregnancy, I felt God was giving us small reassurances here and there that maybe this was the one. Maybe this was the baby we would get to bring home and meet. Perhaps this was all God's doing from the start and HE would be the one to carry it through to fruition. And maybe He wanted us to know that.
I've always been a little like that. "Oh, it's a sign!" In fact it was kind of a joke between my friend Lindy and I growing up. Does God still give signs today? Does he work in mysterious ways and at times reach down through various means to speak to our hearts in a way that only we - the hearer - finds especially meaningful?
The day I found out I was pregnant, March 25th, Karlyn and I were getting ready for bed. She was laying on our floor and said,
"Mom, there was a new baby at our school today. And it's coming to stay at our house forever."I dropped whatever I was doing and said, "What did you say? Did you say forever?"
Karlyn has tons of pretend babies, friends, siblings. So I'm used to the things that come out of her mouth about Rosie, or Luke - her babies. But she'd never said anything about a baby coming to stay at our house forever.
A few days later she and I were home on Saturday just doing things around the house. I was thinking about the few minutes of sermon I'd heard the day before by Tony Evans. He'd said, "Ask God to give you a specific word regarding your situation. That was going through my head when Karlyn pipes up out of nowhere with no prompting,
"Mom, a baby is coming to spend the night at our house forever."
I was blown away. Was God speaking? She told us this several more times over the next days and weeks. A few other things happened. I saw this bumper sticker just days after finding out. In fact, I think it was the day I got my first good hcg doubling results. I've never seen a bumper sticker like that in my LIFE! I just felt like it was God saying, "I DID THIS. This started with me and it will end with me. I gave you this gift."
I went inside to pick up some groceries and started to munch once I got back out to the car. The expiration date on my veggie straws stuck out for some reason. MY DUE DATE! =)
Are these things silly? Happenstance? Personally, I don't think so. For the past 12 weeks, God has known when I've been hanging by a thread. He's know when I've started to settle into the possibility and when I just as quickly begin to falter. And doubt that there was any divine word at all. That I've made it all up and the bottom could fall out at any moment.
It's a walk by faith for sure. I told someone that each reassurance lasts for about sixty seconds. 60 second periods when I'm assured that everything is OK before my mind wanders to the next worry. But I'm gaining faith. I'm walking in the knowledge that I don't have control but He does.