Loss does crazy things to a person. It makes you paranoid.
Pregnancy after miscarriage is riddled with a thousand hopes and mostly fears, at least in the beginning. No news is "good enough." The doubt and worry sticks around like a pesky bathtub ring. Nothing puts you at total peace, even though you do make an attempt.
I wake up in the middle of the night, scared.
Every trip to the bathroom (and those are increasing!) is like a pop quiz - pass/fail. Phew.
I symptom check a thousand times a day. Am I warm enough? Sore enough? Hungry/Nauseous enough?
I look forward to our first sonogram with so much hope and excitement and at the same time remember the last sono I had while pregnant. I should have been 10 weeks along but the baby stopped growing about a week before. The horror of that visit - me sitting there on the table unable to speak and Ryan's face. It's what I remember. That's the last sonogram experience I have to draw from and it terrifies me. I want to call my OB and demand that she stand right beside me on the 20th and hold my hand. And every sonogram after.
I told Ryan's cousin last Sunday, "I just don't think I can do this again." Lose another baby I mean. I truly don't know how I could walk that road again. And yet God has given me peace in the midst of this. He's given me signs and assurances...maybe this is the one.
I cried today. I got my 3rd blood draw results. I had left a message with the nurse (a different one than before) and when she called me back, I about lost it. OK, I did. She was leading up to telling me and I just didn't like her tone or the rate at which she was speaking. She told me that my results hadn't come in yet so she called the lab..."and your hcg..." My heart sunk. What?? Tell me!
"Your numbers are great."
HCG - 479 (up from 48, 5 days before)
Progesterone - 25 (up from 20)
I started to cry and said, "You scared me! It's just...we've had so many of these calls." She told me to breathe, relax, and have a Happy Easter." I called Ryan and cried to him. Clearly...because I was happy. :-0
And I am happy that my numbers have gone up. Thank you Jesus. But it doesn't make me relax. Something tells me I'm not going to relax until I'm holding that baby in my arms. Oh wait. And then the next 18 years. :-)
My guess is that I'm only about 4.5 weeks along. Still so early. 18 days till our sono. My appetite has been a little "meh." These two are my BFF's.
|I want to marry those chips.|