What to say. Today has been a bit of a come to Jesus day. Don't we all need those? Sometimes it just feels good to sit down and pray. Shamefully, I don't do that much anymore. A lot of times I'm too afraid to actually voice my prayers out loud. Or I'm too angry. Or too...busy. I had this thought earlier:

"Perhaps the greatest sign that we are His (Christ), and that He won't let us go, is the firm but loving hand of correction."

I'm so thankful for a God who convicts and corrects and who loves me too much to let me stay in a place I don't need to be. Even though it hurts, I can know it's for my good. I can even know that there was purpose in it and a lesson learned. I can see just how fragile and weak my flesh is and that there truly is no good thing in me apart from Christ. That is the glaring truth.

A friend posted this:

It's so easy to get stuck in the past. Past hurts that need forgiveness. Past decisions that led where you hadn't expected. Past decisions that became painful habits that need a change. When you see someone with joy in life, don't assume it's always been easy for that person. That they don't have a past to face. Because they do. We all do. I do as well. At first, I stayed in the past and experienced years of self hatred and self harming. But then I chose to move forward instead of looking back. Joy awaits. The past doesn't have to be pretty. For you can still make life beautiful. 

Except I'm not counting on me to make the whole beautiful. I can't do that as much as I might want to. I can only take hold of the one who offers me His hand on a daily basis and watch Him make it beautiful in His time.

This sums it up as well~

"I think we let ourselves dwell on the past because we know what happens there. It's comfortable. And when you're in a time of change and things aren't as clear, you hurry back to familiar scenes and faces. It's easier to think about your past than it is to face a future that's unknown...It's your choice if you will remain stuck in the comfort of regret and memories, or if you will trust God's light to bring you safely to shore."

In a time of change when things aren't clear. Not clear. That's exactly how the past few years have felt. NOT CLEAR. And I find myself whipped around looking for something to cling to. That person should be Jesus but I haven't let it be. Because a lot of times it hurts too much (and I have too much pride) to say yes, I will spend time with you and I will seek you and I will let you comfort my hurting heart.

Aren't you the one causing this? Allowing this? Why would I run to you?

That is what my flesh screams at me to feel and think.

We are in the middle of our last round of fertility treatments for a while. Maybe ever. I am hopeful but guarded and scared of what's next if it doesn't work. I've told myself I can at least go back to the gym if we don't get pregnant this time. Is that silly? It may sound like it but I'm trying to give myself something to look forward to if the result is negative. Do workouts compare with a pregnancy? No. But it's something I enjoy and have given up for a time. It almost causes a panic attack if I think about it long enough. My throat starts to close up and the thought that it won't work starts to paralyze me. I hate the meds and how I feel on them. How cranky and tired I become and the passing days that have me calculating, guessing. I'm trying to be more chill this month though and am not taking my temperatures or testing out the trigger shot.

I'll close with this from Proverbs 31 Ministries~

"Friend, that hard thing you are facing right now? Remember, you are strong. You are persevering, tough, able to bend without breaking, willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation, not blinded, a hunter for wisdom, a praying-through-it woman, a courageous gal, one who wants to learn the deep dependence of following hard after God Himself.

Let me reach through these fragile, typed out letters and take your hand. And stand with you. From that cracked-open-heart place, a God-breathed strength will rise. Rise. Rise. And help you spit in Satan's face as you declare, You picked the wrong woman to mess with this time!"

1 comment:

Jennifer Ashley said...

I really hope this is your cycle and this last round worked for you. I've been thinking about you often, hang in there, you're so strong and have the most beautiful daughter. Sending lots of prayers, support, and love your way!