Loss #3

I listened to all kinds of inspirational and uplifting songs at work today but I cry coming home to Justin Timberlake. At least I'm loyal? I haven't cried all that much. I did some yesterday. I'm expecting the floodgates to open once my hormones hit rock bottom, which shouldn't be long. I don't even know what to think. That all these experiences are like notches in my belt. Miscarriage? Check. D&C? Check. Trouble getting pregnant? Check. Clomid? Check. Chemical Pregnancy? Check.

Next stop: REI - Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility. I had to look that one up.

Yes, that's where we're headed next. And although my doctor's office today told me it might be three to four weeks before we got in, we actually have an appointment for next week. So that's good. My doctor has referred us there and he's supposed to be really good. And straightforward. They told me that.

I knew we might end up there. I knew that if Clomid didn't work, that's the path we were headed on. And here we are. Clomid did work, I guess. But. Man I hate that but.

One reason I started testing early is because last Wednesday was weird. For about five hours that night, I had a lot of cramping and some bleeding. It stopped by bedtime and after talking to the doctor's office, was told it could be implantation bleeding or...something else. A follicle disintegrating? My body just reacting oddly to the meds? Who knew. I stayed home Thursday though and everything calmed down. I started peeing a lot. ha. I thought, hmmm. So like I said before, Friday morning I thought I would just test for the heck of it. It's not like the lines were squinters; they were there and they were dark for being a week early. I took another test Saturday morning and it was a little lighter. I was worried, but finally shrugged it off and was kinda happy that I felt nauseous all day. Yesterday morning at 4:30 I woke up and tested. Even lighter. I didn't feel nauseous. I felt not pregnant. I stayed home and napped and layed around. I finally had to get out of the house and I bought a few more tests. This time a First Response and a digital. I had taken a First Response Friday morning so I thought I could compare those lines. It was lighter but positive and the digital was positive. I couldn't think about anything because after you lose two babies, it's impossible to think about anything else. You just have to know. We went to sleep and I got up and took the same two tests this morning. The First Response was even lighter and the digital: Not Pregnant. Falling hcg levels. No more nausea. No more baby. I did blood work today (got stuck twice!) and will get those results tomorrow. They have to make sure the levels go all the way back down.

Last night. This morning.

It's the weirdest thing. I told someone I would have rather not gotten pregnant than to lose again, but that's probably only half-true. If we would have used Clomid again unsuccessfully, we still would have ended up with an RE so now it's happening faster. I'm beginning to think this thing is going to take us where it wants to and we're just along for the ride.

Someone said, "just don't test." Meaning early. But in my case it's imperative that as soon as we know I get blood levels tested due to low progesterone I've had in the past. That way they know whether or not to bump up the amount I'm taking. And because of what had happened Wednesday, I was half-way expecting an earlier result. And every woman is different. I test. It's just what I do. If you lose two babies and still have the patience to wait until you miss a period to take a pregnancy test, good for you. I'm not there yet. Anyways. I'm looking forward to our appointment next week. I'm glad we're going together and that maybe this specialist will be able to get to the bottom of our issue.

It's another step in the journey. And I'm not ready to give up yet.