Here but a moment

I posted this yesterday. Then took it down. I guess I felt a 1% shred of hope. But nope, my gut was right. Loss # 3.

Mother's Day.

Chemical Pregnancy.

I really have no words. After our first two losses, it took a while for that numb-all-over feeling to set in. I guess by the third one, it hits you right away. Friday morning I had two, clear, positive pregnancy tests. Today...not so positive. My temperature has dropped. The tests are just about negative. Yesterday's was lighter and that was my first clue. They call it "chemical" because the miscarriage happens at a time when only a chemical test (home pregnancy or blood test - of which I had both) could pick it up. I had decided to start testing early, just for fun. Ha. fun. I was shocked to get such clear lines a full week before I would expect a period. The doctor had told me to call though the minute I got a positive so that I could have blood work done. My hcg was 89 and my progesterone was 21.4, which seemed to be good numbers. I could tell when I woke up at 4:30 this morning that something wasn't right. Call it a hunch, call it me having gone through this before. I didn't feel pregnant.

A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. Man, we were excited. And relieved that it seemed the Clomid had finally helped us conceive! But it was so stinkin early.

Today was going to be a really good, really happy Mother's Day. And instead, we sent our fourth baby up to heaven. All I could think this morning was, just when you think life can't get any shittier, just wait. It can. Maybe knowing you were pregnant for only two days makes it easier. Or maybe it's worse. I don't know. I feel kind of dumb, although I guess I shouldn't. I do know that with each loss, I compile a list of responses I get that I would never, ever, in a million years, say to someone else. So. Yeah.

Four roses for our four babies - one on earth and three in heaven. Happy Mother's Day. 

1 comment:

Jennifer Ashley said...

I just read this, I'm so sorry! I don't think it matters if you were 9 minutes, 9 days, 9 weeks, or 9 months pregnant, you're allowed to feel everything you're feeling right now.

I always loved this quote from the Velveteen Rabbit, "Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

My heart breaks for you ♥