March - and Thoughts on Clomid

Ah, March.

Seriously. Now it's almost April?

I have a lot to catch up on. And I'm pretty sure that's all I ever say now since I never blog.

I did my fertility cleanse. Kind of. I started it and was really consistent during the first phase. I felt groggy a lot of days and kind of blah and eventually started having trouble sleeping. I got some feedback that it was probably due to the fact that my liver was working overtime (the first phase focuses on liver detox.) It seemed like it was kind of cleaning me out, so to speak and I didn't have tons of energy. The sleep thing started getting to me so towards the end I cut back on the pills and tea to once a day instead of twice. I started the second phase ten days ago, only a couple days before I got SICK. I got "the crud" as I've affectionately termed it - sore throat > turns into fever> turns into sinus gunk> turns into cough. It really only was bad for about 48 hours and I've slowly gotten better. So I didn't "cleanse" during that and...I kinda just haven't been doing it. I had read that you weren't supposed to complete the second phase if you were pregnant or thought you might be and since I was sick and didn't know for sure if I was pregnant (I'm not), I just kinda stopped. Plus, I really didn't feel like dealing with more sleep issues. Sleep is big for me. Andddd...I really thought the first phase was going to be most beneficial for me anyways. Yada Yada. The GOOD NEWS is that I haven't had one day of pain, like I've been experiencing the past few months. Not one. I'm really curious to see how next month goes too in that department. If I see consistent relief there, the cleanse will have been well worth it!

What else this month? I signed Karlyn up for swimming lessons which we'll start in April. I'm really excited for that and I think she is too. I've had some work changes that I'm still adjusting to. Ryan's been working like crazy as April tax deadlines approach. Oh how we all love busy season. #notsomuch

Our dog ran away. And didn't come back. This really needs to be a post in itself and probably will be at some point. So crazy.

I turned 31. I never feel my age anymore. Is it because as adults we don't walk around saying our ages? I didn't even get used to saying or feeling thirty. And now thirty-one. My sister and I had an amazingly fun day to ourselves full of good food, shopping, and a movie. If you haven't seen Divergent, I highly recommend it. It was SO. GOOD. I wanted to run, jump, or box someone after seeing it. Amazing. And I found this tea infuser mug. And obviously had to get it.

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Ryan and I have been having conversations about where we go next. Fertility drugs, specifically. I had some testing done last Fall (second batch of tests) and the doctor said based off of those, we could try clomid. Not for the reason most people try clomid, but because the tests showed we (or I) could use a little "boost." Of course I did what I always do and looked up clomid, read about it, etc. Ugh. We decided to wait. We were in the middle of building our house, the holidays, and all that...fast forward. I don't like a lot of what I read about it. Even though my doctor's office tells me it will be fine, the not-so-lovely side effects that a lot of women have on it scares me. Because just knowing myself, if there are side effects, I'm probably going to experience them. It's just kind of how I am. It seems like there are two opposite camps when it comes to clomid users. 

There's the first:

"I didn't have any side-effects, I couldn't tell I was taking it, and it was really OK."

Then the second:

"I had hot flashes so bad I thought I might die, headaches that never ended, and mood swings so severe that my husband feared for his life."

I just really don't know what to do. Do we keep trying and waiting on God's timing, hoping that whatever my body lacks right now will be supernaturally taken care of at the right time? Do we try the clomid and see that as God's provision in helping us have another baby? It's been almost a year. We're in our early thirties. I don't know. I would love to hear any advice, experience, or thoughts other may have!

Except. Please don't tell me to just relax and THEN it will happen. That's advice I'd rather not hear. Because it just doesn't always work that way...and it's frustrating to hear and then feel guilty...well gosh darn it, if I could just relax! Yeah.

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You never know what a day will bring. And this month has brought some very hard things for my immediate family. Issues that are being worked through right now, an unknown future, and tears shed over a possible diagnoses. Life is hard and I'm learning this more and more each year. There are beautiful joyous moments and then times when you get the wind - or life - knocked out of you, over and over again. I don't know how to process it all and I don't know how to pray.