I picked the coldest day we've had so far to get out of bed at 5:00 AM and go workout. Don't ask me why.
I've never been able to do morning workouts consistently; afternoons are much better for me but I had a feeling I might wake up early on my own today. My hunch was right so instead of laying in bed
browsing facebook and continuing to rest, I wandered around by the light of my phone trying to round up my workout gear. I made it to the gym and lifted weights for almost an hour, completing my 4th weights session in the last week. I'm a little bit excited because I'm working on a goal I've had on and off for the past several years. I realize putting it "out there" holds me a little more accountable and maybe that's a good thing. But, I have really wanted to gain about 5-10 lbs. of muscle/weight for a while now. I realize 10 is a big number! In fact, I was reading the other day that IF diet was impeccable and training never skipped a beat, a person MIGHT be able to gain ten pounds of muscle in a year. That may have even been a male they were referring to. Anyways, it doesn't matter. I would like to gain a little bit of weight and put on some muscle. I've attempted it before, for a little while and just haven't made headway for one reason or another. And as I've said before, for some reason the past two years + two baby losses have kind of taken the "oomph" out of my drive to workout, or really have any kind of fitness goals. But I decided that this year I would try again. Part of what has held me back is that we DO want to have another baby and I've wondered how hard I should push myself. But, the reality is that we're not getting pregnant (yet) and I don't want to look back in three months and wish I'd made progress. Who knows...maybe it'll even help. I definitely get some stress relief through the gym.
OK, so the cool part is that I'm working with a coach through online personal training! I've paid for four weeks of workouts and will likely renew once this month is up. She has me lifting three times a week to start off and they have been challenging. In a good way that I really miss. Pushing my limits.
I'm using a super cool app that lets my log my workout stats as I complete the exercises and allows me to get feedback on my workouts. I can also message my trainer with questions. I'm trying to eat plenty of protein, healthy fats, and good carbs and even took some "before pics" to track progress. :>
I love lifting weights. I ran cross-country in high school and played basketball but there's just something different about forcing your muscles to adapt and seeing them grow. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
In other news, yesterday was a rough day. I wasn't feeling good physically and started crying in church when it hit me that we've been going through this whole baby loss / wanting a baby for almost two years. May will mark two years since our first loss. Our pastor was talking about how if God in His Word says that He will not withhold any good thing from us, and we don't have that thing, then it must not be good - right now. And that is hard to hear. You have all kinds of crazy thoughts going through a time of infertility. Yesterday's tears just spiraled into "I can't do anything right, I'm a terrible mother, we don't know how to parent," throughout the afternoon. Ugh. #Hormones. Mine always get the best of me and I end up questioning everything. It's so easy. I've thought, I'm not a good mother and that's why I can't have another. Because I'm failing with the one I've got.
And then I go to bed, wake up, and try again, pushing those thoughts away (that I know in my heart aren't true to begin with) and try to see more clearly.
I'm thankful for a new year to do this thing called life. And thankful for dumbbells too.