Do you ever read a blog post, an article, or a story and find yourself saying, "Yep. Yep. Exactly. That's it." I read this today by Diana, who I've talked about before on here. I have found myself in so many of her posts and today was spot on.
The waiting is killer.
She said this:
It’s hard to not rush into something happy, something different, after a traumatic event. When you’ve expected life to change and it doesn’t – it really leaves you grasping at, “What now?”
I felt that so much after our second miscarriage early this year. You know what I did the day after my D&C? I'm talking 24 hours later. I went to get my hair done. We made me blonder. (Is that a word?) Because I really didn't know what else to do and I wanted something happy. I started a new blog and threw myself into writing about health and fitness. I needed something.
I have no control over my waiting time. It’s maddening and comforting. All at once.
I get that. It's maddening because I've wanted a baby since our second pregnancy ended in May of 2012. It's maddening because I feel like people snap their fingers, click their heels, and poof! Pregnant. "Hey, let's have a baby!" OK. Done. It's maddening because I like control. And I don't have any right now, at least not over this. It's comforting because I know deep down inside that God has a plan and that His plans are for the best. Not what I think is best, but what He KNOWS is best. It's comforting because at the end of the day...month...I can sit back and say, "It's out of my hands." Except the whole thing is more mad than comfort.
I don't even know how to approach the month(s) anymore. Hopeful? Expectant? Realistic.
We're going through the book of Acts in our Sunday School class and I felt like our teacher was speaking right to me yesterday. Tears were coming as he talked about the suffering that Paul went through, all to accomplish his mission of spreading the gospel. Snake bite? Check. Beaten as a Roman citizen? Check. Thrown into prison? Check. Was his suffering for a reason?
Was he blocked at parts of his journey and forced to go a different way, a way he hadn't planned to travel? Was there blessing and salvation for many because of it?
Michael said, "What are you doing with your suffering? Are you just complaining about it or are you using it to help others? Are you testifying to how God is bringing you through it? How you're "making it?"
I want to. I want to share my story because there's more to be told. As I sit here and wait, I want to be used. I took these sermon notes a few weeks ago~
"Suffering is a means of something God wants to do in you - not just something He wants to do to you."
"God tests the promise, every time He makes one. As if He wants to set up all the cards and then in one swoop, knock them down."
And to end, this quote by Spurgeon:
"I've learned to kiss the wave that drives me against the Rock of Ages."
I'm not there yet. I don't want to kiss the wave; I want to take a helicopter over it. But I'm learning I'm not the only one and that we're all going through our own version of suffering. It's for a purpose, this waiting. Even when we can't see it.