May 6th, part II

I should have known today was going to be rough when I dropped multiple egg shells into my breakfast and then forgot my lunch for work.

It kinda went downhill from there. 

I think I'm done crying though. That was a looong one. Obviously needed. I feel silly sometimes writing about it or posting on facebook but I don't have anyone here to talk to right now and it at least gets it out of my system so it doesn't eat me alive. A counselor would probably be good but I don't like paying for one when most of the time, I feel like I'm doing OK.

I am going tonight though to meet with a small group of women who have also gone through loss. I've never done anything like that before so hopefully it will help.

I just get really mad and sad and then repeat. I feel stuck in a way. A part of me wants to move on, forget it, just stop (whatever that means), or give away all of Karlyn's baby clothes I've been saving so I don't have them to remind me of that hope or possibility. It's like this instinct comes into play where you think, "I want to make sure this never, ever happens again and that I never have to feel this pain again." 

But the only thing is, you can't. Because having a baby is the only thing you want. And you'll never stop hoping or trying because it's sewn so deep into your heart that you couldn't tear it out if you tried. I ask myself, did God give me these desires only to keep ripping them away? Is something good supposed to come from all this? On a good day, my answer is yes. There is a plan.

Today I just cry though and get mad and hope I wake up tomorrow on the other side.