Getting it out

I can't stop crying today.  I mean, I have finally but I couldn't.  Now my eyes are bloodshot and I'm just tired.  Sometimes I write this blog to be funny and sometimes to share life with a toddler or a recipe, but today I just need to write it for me.  Because you know what they say...it's cheaper than therapy. 
It's been frustrating with Karlyn because she and the toddler bed are not getting along.  She's not going to bed, like not getting tired and then once she finally does go to sleep, she's coming in our room later, dragging her pillow and blanket with her.  And at 3:00 am, any resolved we've mustered up the night before is gone.  I can't co-sleep either.  I have serious sleep issues and even from the beginning I couldn't sleep with Karlyn right next to me.  And if I don't sleep, life isn't pretty for anyone around here.  I know she's not sick so I don't know if she's scared or the holiday schedule messed us up.  We've tried spankings, although I have to admit I'm not very good at that yet.
I'm torn when advice is given that goes against what my "mommy gut" is telling me.  I'm the mom.  That means I get to do what I think is right for my child.  Sleeping.  Shots.  I get to decide.  Don't get me wrong.  I really do enjoy hearing from others at times.  In fact, I ask a lot of questions!  But at the end, I get the final say.
So I didn't sleep much last night.  I hate hormones.  And I hate waiting.  The up and down rollercoaster, the excitement, the discouragement.  I saw a link to this blog today and started reading and I couldn't stop.  I can't pretend that I've gone through even close to what others have endured.  I feel selfish and silly when I read stories of loss that are so great in depth.  But I still lost and I still worry.
I get scared thinking I won't get pregnant, that my body won't do what it needs to do and that if I do, every week...day will be be spent wondering if I'll make it to the next.  I don't have much faith I guess.  It seems super small at times and I know I need to grow in that area.  I know I'm blessed beyond measure.  I see that in my little girl's eyes.  Yes those same eyes that won't shut even when it's 10:30 and I'm ready to sleep. 
I know my various trials are nothing like true suffering.  But writing and crying them out sometimes helps.  I know God has a plan and that He sees. 


rebekahruthie said...

I know your pain! Spencer jumped out of his crib the day before he turned two and thus began three straight weeks of literal hell in terms of sleepless midnight jogs around the house.
Troubleshooting what works for your child is painful-but you will figure it out! I hope this is just a funny warstory for you soon!

katebradley said...

The stress you feel when your child isn't sleeping well is real and legitimate. And it doesn't mean you don't love and fully appreciate your little girl. As someone who has just recently started sleep training Eva to make it through the night without nursing I feel like it's so important to support other mamas when they are so exhausted. When I'm tired it's like my whole perspective is off.

Andrea C. said...

Not getting sleep was honestly one of the hardest things for me when G came home. It makes even the simply things of life so hard and the really awful things just that much more awful. Don't ever feel silly for how you feel for what you went through just because you feel like someone else had it worst. Everyone processes things differently. My self for example, I now have a healthy 7 month old but I'm still trying to move past what I feel like I loss. I guess it just takes time...and SLEEP!

Anonymous said...

Have you read praying through your pregnancy or supernatural childbirth? Both are awesome and faith building books! The praying through your pregnancy one starts with conception prayers so it could be used before pregnancy.

Jess Brown