I don't know what my deal is. I cried last night but I guess I didn't get it all out because I just cried again. Maybe I'm Type A. Maybe I'm an emotional person. Maybe I'm a perfectionist. Maybe I have a melancholy personality.
Not maybe. I am all of those things. And it drives me crazy sometimes.
I have just felt a lot of "I'm not good enough" lately. And mom guilt. And wishing I was different.
Karlyn had a cough pop up this week that slowly started getting worse. I thought maybe I could treat it more naturally with steam, vaporizer, some more natural cold/cough medicine but then late yesterday afternoon she started coughing and couldn't stop and it seemed like she couldn't get a breath. I got scared and called the pediatrician since it was already Friday and luckily we got in during their extended hours. We waited 50 minutes to see the doctor - glad we had books! She had a right ear infection and upper respiratory junk that we got a 5 day antibiotic for. She has actually been playing fine and has seemed her normal self except for the cough. So we spent a rainy night in and out of Walgreens and finally to bed.
But where was I. Maybe I'm the only one who does this but I can quickly downward spiral.
I should have taken her in earlier. She shouldn't be in daycare. Or a different daycare. She's going to get sick all winter. I'm a bad mother. I can't protect her from everything.
Then it just plays out everywhere else.
I can't keep all the balls up in the air. I can't keep the house clean. Or the car. I'm not good at my job. I should want to stay home all day, every day with her. I'm not crafty, or creative, and I don't have an expensive camera or a child who poses perfectly for pictures for my blog followed by hundreds of people. I'm not a good wife, sister, fill-in-the-blank.
Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well or that the past month where I seem to come down with some new ailment every other day has worn me down. I almost feel dread with the approaching holiday season. OK - ready...buy gifts for everyone, decorate the house, throw a 2nd birthday party, and do it all with a smile and a dash of Pinterest perfection!
I sometimes struggle with how honest to be on this little blog of mine but personally, I like honest. I love it when I read from another mom that hey, they don't have it all together either! Awesome. It makes me feel better. I love this article.
I don't have all my crap together and I probably never will. I'm not going to be mom of the year anytime soon but I was thinking last night. It's probably not a bad idea, at the end of the day to just talk to myself. Sit down and tell myself...
You know what, you did good today. You're a good mom. You love your daugther and you definitely want what's best for her. You're not perfect and you never will be. But guess what. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE. The house doesn't have to be perfect. You're never going to make perfect decisions every time and there are going to be mistakes, bumps, bruises, and sickness along the way. And that's just part of life.
It's hard for me. I compare and come up short. I feel unqualified and incompetent. I'm a first born so maybe it comes with the territory. I seriously wonder out loud sometimes why I have the personality that I do or why I can't be like so-and-so. These are things I struggle with. It's downright ridiculous to get upset at your toddler because they won't pose for a picture. Good grief!
Maybe I'll eventually get better at the whole go-with-the-flow thing and feel comfortable in my own skin. I hope this doesn't come across whine-y because that's now how I mean it. I think I just need some more mom time...with other moms...who can tell me stories of how they don't have it all together either. Or maybe they do and I can take notes. =)
Either way, it feels good to get some of this out.