Going Back

I don't think I've been to the gym in months.  Honestly, it's probably been since March 1st when I went back full time.  Sure, I've done some little workouts at home here and there (not many!) but I haven't stepped into the smell of barbells and BO for quite some time.  And I miss it!  I've had my membership frozen but I'm about to unfreeze it.  I seriously cannot wait. 

There for a while I was really starting to lift heavy again.  I was squatting close to 100 lbs!!  For me, that's a lot.  It's somewhat discouraging to think about starting over but I want to.  If you know me at all, you know that ME + NOT WORKING OUT = grumpy, stressed, anxious, blah.  And it's been toooo long.  Luckily, this new schedule is going to give me the perfect time to do it.  Karlyn will be napping at daycare just about the time I get off work so I have a perfectly open window to hit the gym. 

It's kind of but not really funny to me how I thought that maybe I could do it all.  I thought that perhaps I could work 40 hours, keep a tidy house, cook healthy meals for my family, have leftover energy each night to play with Karlyn and be the encouraging, loving wife I need to be to my husband.  Ok, so maybe I didn't REALLY think I could do all that.  I just thought, ooooh, double my income?!  Save for the future?!  Do something new/cool at work?!  Join Crossfit?!  <-- Yeah right!  Where exactly was I going to fit that last one in??

I have thought about it so much.  Did I make the wrong decision?  We talked and prayed about it and I felt a peace.  I had no idea that 6 weeks after accepting a full-time position, I would be pregnant.  I had no idea that 3 weeks after that, I would miscarry.  I didn't know that even though we hired a house-keeper, the house could and would still be a mess 24 hours later.  I didn't know that I was saying good-bye to any leftover energy to work out or cook most nights.  Granted, after the miscarriage, my physical self was a bit sapped.  Not to mention the three weeks I was pregnant and on the progesterone.  So what then?

I can't say that I made the wrong decision.  Maybe I did.  I know that it was a learning experience.  I know that I got to know some new people and learn a new aspect of my job that allows me to provide even more value to my company.  I know that God saw ahead to what would unfold and it didn't catch Him by surprise.  I know that after the miscarriage, I eventually hit a breaking point and told Ryan that I just couldn't do this anymore.  Insomnia plagued me many nights, we fought, and I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown through much of June.  Luckily, my company offered me my 20 hours back, if I would learn yet another position.  I said yes.

It is very challenging to work full time and be a mom.  This I know now.  Some women can do it.  And they do it very well!  I felt like things were going just fine the first six weeks.  Would I have come to this place had I not gotten pregnant?  Maybe.  Probably?  I can't say.  We had some extra income for four months along with some extra expenses.

I told someone recently that I wake up everyday and wonder why things happened the way they did.  Truthfully, I don't voice that question to myself that often.  But it's still there.  It pops up when I think about how far along I'd be right now or how different life would be still working full time, being pregnant. 

How did I go from weights to this?  I just need to take a few steps back.  I'm looking forward to de-stressing, spending more time with Karlyn this Summer, and pressing in to see what God is trying to teach me.  I suspect it's a lesson I don't want to learn (again.)  Mostly that He is faithful.  He is good.  And He is sovereign.  And I'm not.  Ouch.