Remembering

One month ago today we lost our sweet baby.  I knew this day was approaching but I didn't actually remember it today until I was laying on the couch with Karlyn about an hour ago.  It's hard to think about and I can't decide if it feels like a long or short time ago.  I almost think, did that really happen?

I haven't cried about it anymore.  I wear a necklace every day that I bought off Etsy from this site.  I just remember every now and then and sometimes feel sad.  I wish I was growing that baby right now.  And planning.  And full of excitement.  The past several weeks though have been stressful, long, and leaving me overwhelmed with changes in our day-to-day schedule. 

Sometimes I feel hopeful but more often than not I'm leaning towards anxious, fearful, and worried.  Even as I look back at my life and see so clearly how God has guided my every step and path and led me to the place I'm at today, I still doubt.  I still wonder if He knows what He's doing, if He really has a plan.  I like having a plan and knowing what's coming.  But I sense that God wants me to rest in Him and to trust.  To know that He's good and to know that He is in control.  Always.  Every part of me wants to fight that, come up with my own plan, and carry it out to completion.  Every part of me wants for ME to be in control.

I'm thankful for his mercies and our sweet little family.  For my blonde haired smiley toddler and my husband who works so hard to provide for us.  For our family and friends and our places of work.  I'm thankful tonight, when I'm honest, that I don't have to understand it all or figure out the future.  God does.  And He knows that it's good.