Through the valley

Job 1:21b ~

...the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

On May 6th, around 3:30 am, we lost our sweet 2nd baby Ivey.

I know I will cry through this whole post but I need to get it out.  I don't know why I keep putting on make-up when all I do is cry it off.  Writing is therapeutic for me and I know it's soon but I don't want to wait;  I want to do it now while the feelings are raw.

On April Friday the 13th, we were surprised to find out that we were pregnant.  What a shock and a joyous surprise.  We sat in bed and talked and prayed and thanked God for such a wonderful blessing.  There are few days that stay imprinted in your mind but the day you find out you're having a baby is one of those days.  As is the day you find out that baby is gone.  I think all you can do, especially in those early weeks of pregnancy is be hopeful.  Seriously.  You can't just walk around each day in fear wondering is something bad is going to happen.  I had no serious complications with Karlyn and did not expect any this time around either.  There are some things in life that you just don't pay attention to until you're exposed to them.  Miscarriage is something that happens to other people.  It's not something that hits you and you feel the full force of until it happens to you.

On Friday, May 4th, we had planned to go out with our friends to announce our news but I woke up that morning and started spotting, which can be perfectly normal.  I went in to work after a call to the doctor.  They had me go back to the lab I'd already visited several times to get my levels, because my progesterone was low just like it was with Karlyn.  The progesterone had dropped.  They told me to double up the dose I was taking and call them back on Monday morning.  It got worse throughout the day and I finally went home that afternoon with orders to rest all weekend.  Saturday, worse than Friday but maintaining.  By Saturday night, I knew I needed to get to the ER.  We hadn't even told our parents yet because we wanted to wait until our first appointment.  Nothing like announcing that kind of the news in the same call needing a babysitter so you can go the hospital.  They did a sono and more blood work which showed a sac and that my hcg had risen from Friday's draw.  The doctor said I could possibly have a placental tear and that those would often resolve on their own.  I left relieved.

About four hours later at 3:30 I woke up and knew it was bad.  I really didn't know a lot about it, but I was 90% sure that I was miscarrying.  I ended up showering after the worse was over, maybe an hour, and dosed off and on.  I had phoned the on-call doctor at my OB-GYN and he said I didn't need to go back to the ER; there was nothing they could do at this point.  They had seen a sac, my levels had gone up, so I just needed to rest until Monday and call my doctor.  Sunday, it seemed to be better and I layed on the couch all day.  It still wasn't normal though at all.  I woke up again on Monday, around 3:30 again and I just knew.  I didn't feel pregnant anymore.  I woke Ryan up and sobbed and sobbed for about an hour.  I expressed everything inside of me and got it all out.  I dozed off again.  I finally got to call my doctor at 9:00 when they opened and they told me to go do more blood work.  I went and was only slightly hopeful after talking to the tech there who I'd now become friends with after seeing her so much. 

Ryan and I came home and waited and around 1:30 on Monday May 7th, we found out that my hcg had dropped way down and what I'd experienced on Sunday had been a miscarriage.  More tears.  Even though I'd tried to prepare myself, even though my gut told me what had already happened, and even though I knew God was in control the entire time, it still hurt.  Of course.  I cried off and on yesterday all throughout the day.  I feel empty and shocked and weak and sad.  My body is exhausted but I don't want to sleep.  Even though this weekend was one of the longest I've ever had and time seemed to move in slow motion, it feels like I blinked and now my baby is gone.  Ryan said, "you just don't know how much you love something you've never seen until you lose it."

I'm so thankful for friends at this time.  Some of you I've never even met and you've been the biggest support to me right now and will continue to be.  Our pastor preached his sermon on April 29th, with the following title:

It all depends on how you look at it.

These were his main points:
1. He is the Lord who does all things.
2. He is the Lord who has the right to do all things.
3. He is the Lord who does all things right.
a. It will be right for our good.
b. It will be right for His glory.

I can't pretend that I'm not a mess right now and that I won't be for a while.  But I do know who is in control.  And that even as the tears flow, I know He has my good at heart.  He can't do anything that is not good or allow something to happen that isn't somehow a part of His plan.  Ryan and I covet your prayers and your love as we've always felt in the past.  This passage has been with me all weekend.  It's probably the longest piece of Scripture I have memorized.

Psalm 23~

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

This experience has brought Ryan I together and made us so extremely grateful for Karlyn.  I look at her now and think, what a miracle!  How good is God to give us such a beautiful daughter.  Life is a gift and when it ends, I have to trust that God is still good.  This has honestly opened my eyes.  I realize that there are those who have suffered and are going through MUCH more than we have experienced.  I cannot imagine or begin to understand why some have to go through what they do.  I can only trust and pray and know that God is good.


Anonymous said...

God has given our family many blessings. Difficult times do help us realize how blessed we are and at the same time realize the magnitude of this loss. Prais God we will meet this precious little miracle when we get to heaven.

Becky said...

Kati, this is so bravely and beautifully written. I know this is a time of real, palpable sorrow - but your faith is as strong as ever, and that's incredible. I just hope God can bring comfort to you in all of this. It's okay to cry, and it's okay to dream for the future when you're ready, too. God will walk you through this and everything else. *hugs*

The Young's said...

Through tears I'm reading your post. So beautifully and thoughtfully written, my friend. I'm praying for comfort beyond imaginable for you and Ryan. Nate and I understand and please know we are here for you, praying for all of you. You do have a precious little one waiting to meet you in heaven one day!! Love you!

The Norvells said...

kati...I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It baffles my mind, that in our day and age with so much medicine and technology, that so many women still suffer from this tragedy. It just proves that God is in control of our bodies, no matter how advanced we become in our understanding of medicine. I pray for peace and comfort for you and for your family. Blessings.

Amanda said...

I love you friend and are lifting you and Ryan up in prayer often!

Andrea C. said...

I know there is absolutely nothing I can say that will make the pain go away, but I will pray that God will give you a peace that only He can give. Please know I'm grieving with you for your lost. I love you guys!

Josh and Shan said...

Oh Kati, I am so so sorry. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you & Ryan through this. Praying for ya'll.

Rebekah said...

Kati, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing such encouraging words through your grief. I'll keep your sweet family covered in prayers.