I'm not sure how to do this.  How to grieve.  I've cried, I've sobbed, I've sat there and felt numb and then last night I started to feel happy.  I picked up Karlyn and played with her.  I felt a little energy and some appetite coming back.  I told Ryan, "I don't know if I should feel like this."  Then this morning I felt empty again.  My sweet friend told me that it will be up and down.  This is going to come in waves and some days might be ok and then some days might be terrible.  I did read something to this effect~

"Celebrating bits of joy does not dishonor the baby you lost."

It just sucks.  I went to Target yesterday and all I saw were mother's of two.  I want to lay really close to my husband at night and in the mornings I feel sad.  I know it's going to take time and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. 

My dad sent me this~

"Every time I've had a bad thing happen, I've later had a corresponding greater blessing.  You'll see this happen.  Love you and proud of you."

My sister-in-law posted this~

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."

I drove by our church today and decided to go in.  I talked with our young adult minister and I had to ask a question.  I know that life begins at conception.  But I just wasn't sure.  When does a soul begin?  Are you given a soul at that first point of life?  He said that you are.  That my baby is up in heaven in the arms of God.  I know this should bring me great comfort and assurance but for some reason it just makes me want to cry.  When I think about an actual fully formed child, breathing, walking around in heaven, I want to bawl my eyes out.  Because then it's real and this really did happen and that I means I will see him or her one day.  And that is amazing.  But it's hard right now.  I don't know if that makes sense.

Ryan said he was going through a list at work yesterday and all of a sudden it stood out like a sore thumb.  He saw the name we had chosen for a little boy.

I'm so thankful for God's mercy.  I'm thankful that I wasn't any farther along, that I wasn't even more attached.  I'm thankful that I haven't been in severe physical pain.  I'm thankful I have a daughter that I can twirl around and hug and see all the love in her eyes that she has for me.  I'm thankful that Ryan and I are young and healthy and Lord-willing can go on to have another child.  I'm thankful this has expanded my compassion for others who have gone through loss.  But it doesn't make this hurt any less.

I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow.  I may not make it all day but I'm going to attempt to go in and sit at my desk.  We'll see how that goes.

I truly appreciate the kind comments on my last post and your thoughts and prayers that have been going up for us. 


katebradley said...

Even though I don't know you closely, you have been on my heart. I'm praying for you and your family.

Taryn said...

Hi Kati,

My dad told me this evening about the miscarriage. I am so sorry and will be praying for you guys.

Taryn Riblett

Lyndsey said...


I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hate that you're going through this, but you have such an amazing perspective. I am praying for you and Ryan.

Lauren Brown said...

prayed for you and praying for you.

Becky said...

You're right to trust your instincts and experience this process - unpleasant as it is - on your own terms. Every emotion you're experiencing, every high and low, is normal and understandable. So relish the joys and don't be afraid to cry when things get tough. *hugs* Text me sometime if you need to vent.


Heather said...

Still praying for you! I know the hurts & while they will never go away, it will get easier. You will always remember your sweet angel! Much love to you!!!