Ryan's Accident

I don't think I can start a post on 9/11 without going back to where I was that day when the towers fell.  I was a freshman at Howard Payne University and was standing in front of the mirrored dresser getting ready for class.  I heard something on the radio about what was happening but wasn't paying very close attention.  When I met my ride to class (I was carless) he proceeded to tell me what he'd heard.  We got there and classes were cancelled for the day.  I honestly can't remember the emotions I felt that day but I do know how I felt this morning. 

I felt sad and thankful and blessed and heartbroken when I thought about others who had lost friends and family that day.  We watched some of the coverage on tv and I don't know... Something about having a child puts every catastophic event in perspective.

I am also grateful and proud of the men and women who sacrificed their own lives that day and in the days following.  They are heroes and deserve to be remembered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now.  On to the last week and why I've been MIA on the blog.  I'll try to tell the full story without making it a year long. 

Last weekend Ryan headed to his grandparent's lake house and Kar and I decided to stay home.  Saturday night Ryan texted me that he had taken a fall skiing and that he wasn't feeling very good.  He also passed out that night.  I didn't know.  He couldn't get comfortable that night to sleep and by the morning, his mom knew something wasn't right.  She drove Ryan back home to a nearby hospital and Ryan called to tell me what was going on when they were about 20 minutes away. 

Karlyn and I were just chilling in bed so I got up, got us ready as quickly as I could, and headed up there.  I really didn't think it was WAY serious, but didn't know what it could be.  A bad sprain?  When I got to the hospital, Ryan had already been taken back for a cat scan so his mom and I waited.  The doctor came back after a while and told us that she was shocked by the scan results.  Ryan had a LOT of blood in his abdomen and their hospital was not equipped to handle trauma.  Yes, trauma.  They were going to be careflighting him somewhere else.  What??!!  I had been talking to my mom some and now called her to come get Karlyn.  Praise God, she was already on her way.  Everything was going fuzzy at this point and I was crying telling my mom the situation. 

She got there, Sharon (Ryan's mom) and I decided we would ride in her car to the new hospital, and the care flight team arrived.  It REALLY scared me when the careflight guy said, "Are you the wife and mom?...I want ya'll to tell him bye before we leave."

Um.  Ok.?  This is not happening.

We got to the hospital and after about 15 minutes walked into a room where a surgeon was going over the details of the emergency exploratory surgery they would perform on Ryan shortly.  Of course they had to give him the worst case scenarious and he was scared, having never had any surgery other than his wisdom teeth.  He asked his mom and I if we would pray with him and I started crying saying I could not pray, so Sharon did.  Not long after, they whisked him away, telling us ideally the surgery would take about an hour and they would quickly find where the bleeding was coming from and be able to remedy it. 

By this time, more family had shown up and we all waited together in the waiting room not knowing when exactly the surgery would begin.  I prayed and thought and updated friends.  I had a peace *I guess?* that everything would be ok but we still didn't know.  About an hour and a half, two hours later, a doctor pulls us into a private room (which is terrifying!) and tells us that the surgery went fine.  He did great and he had ruptured his spleen.  They'd removed it.  This was good news compared to some alternatives!  I think we breathed a sigh of relief, though not knowing all the details.

Ryan ended up losing about 1/3 to 1/2 of his total blood volume.  He had a 3 inch incision on his spleen and bruises on his colon and intestines.  They also had to remove just a tiny, tiny piece of his pancreas.  Seeing your husband pale, out of it, and in a hospital bed is a bit tough.

Ryan spent the entire last week in the hospital and came home yesterday around noon.  I went up to see him/stay with him every day except Wednesday and then yesterday.  It was a very long week and sometimes a challenge arranging childcare for Karlyn so that I could go see him.  Thankfully, my wonderful mom and aunt stepped up to help me and Sharon and Karlyn's regular sitter also kept her some.  He is home now though.

He is very tired and sore and depleted but slowly gaining back strength.  He's so glad to be home.  It was a draining week and even today I feel frustrated at myself for getting frustrated trying to take care of Ryan and Karlyn at the same time.  I want to throw my arms around him and hug him but I can't.  He has about a foot long incision down the his abdomen that is secured temporarily with staples.

I want to sit down and cry over the whole situation, over the whole week but that hasn't happened yet and it's weirding me out.  I have started to cry several times but there have been people around or I've had to just push past it and take care of our daughter.  I don't feel like I've really released all the emotion of this week and I think I'd feel better if I could.  Maybe I've just dealt with it by getting done what needs to get done.  By trying my best to do whatever he needs at the moment.  Maybe I'm not a very good nurse or I'm not as sympathetic as I should be.  Maybe my crying switch was accidentally turned off.

It was a freak accident.  His skis went out from under him and he fell back.  He said it felt like the wind was knocked out of him.  I don't know why this happened or how exactly we'll pay all of the hospital bills or why I haven't cried my eyes out yet but I do know that God was and has been in control the entire time.  I know he's going to have one heck of a scar to show our kids one day and I know that he's still with us now which is a GINORMOUS GIFT AND BLESSING.  I know little things added up, like his mom taking him to get checked out at just the right time, like Karlyn being old enough to be good for other people watching her, like doctors and nurses being there to quickly diagnose the problem.  Like so many of you praying for us through this week.  I know for a fact I couldn't have made it through without those prayers.  THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

Please continue to pray for us.  Pray for his healing, for no infections, for future guard against illnesses he'll face without his spleen.  Pray for me to be PATIENT and able to care for him and Karlyn.  Pray that God teaches us to lean even more on Him throughout this.

I am blessed today to have my family whole and at home.  Today when so many are grieving losses from 10 years ago on this awful day, I am humbled by my blessings.  I don't deserve them but I love them.  So. Much.