Lessons of September

Can I word vomit a little?  Just a tiny bit or a lot?  *Breastfeeding talk ahead* fyi.

As I've already written about, September has just been kind-of a month.  On top of Ryan's accident, Karlyn has had two ear infections, one single, one double, and a slight bit of croup.  And of course some runny nose and sneezing to go with all that.  She's been weaned for 2 months now...10 weeks to be exact.

I know I wrote earlier about my decision to wean.  And I was ready to.  At times I still missed it, especially at night.  I mean, good grief, we'd done the same bedtime routine for sooo many nights, it was like clockwork.  But I didn't dwell too long on it.  She was doing fine and I was ok too.  She was getting big! 

I had read some about relacation before and only began to think of it a few nights ago.  I started thinking about the long Fall and Winter ahead and wondering whether it was going to be one long stream of doctor appointments and anti-biotics.  I wondered if I could get any milk back and if that would help.  I read some more, started taking a couple of non-prescription things that supposedly helped, and decided to give it a try.  Big fat no go.  Granted, I didn't try for too awful long.  Karlyn has absolutely zero interest anymore and has forgotten the whole thing and I have a single electric pump that I'm pretty sure has lost some of its zest.  It was going to require a whole butt load of work and even at that, I might still not get results.  All this has really started filling me with regret and yes, mommy guilt.  Why did I stop?  What was I thinking?  I've failed and any time she gets sick, it's all my fault. 

Ugh.  Then I started crying today at work because I think I knew it wasn't going to work.  Because I have a 9 month old who is no longer a 5 month old that wants to snuggle up next to me.  Nope, she'd rather crawl around exploring and spitting.  Yes, spitting.  It's her new thing.

I am thankful to have some amazing friends who have encouraged me and told me that it's really ok.  I don't know if Karlyn has allergies or what but it doesn't really matter at this point.  We have to move forward and I have to keep some semblance of mental and physical sanity.  Yeah, so pumping after 10 weeks when you haven't, hurts.  Trust me.  I'm thankful that at least we only have a few more months of formula before we can move on to something else.  Not that formula is evil!  I believe I clarified that in my last post on this subject.  I just regret that I can no longer give her the immunity and anti-bodies that breastmilk provides.  Live and learn huh?  I even considered taking a stronger drug to help but learned that there are some not so nice side effects that go along with it.

Being a mom is not easy and is filled with all kinds of decisions.  Thankfully, many are NOT life and death and these babies will continue to thrive and grow in a home filled with love.  It's so crazy because all of this has just made me realize how fast time really does fly.  When they're tiny, you think it will never end.  You think you'll literally be breastfeeding them, burping them, changing them for 12,000 more years.  Then you turn around and they're 9 months old, spitting, and taking off their bib.  And grunting at you because that's their little version of a mini-fit.  I can be sad that my little girl is growing or I can embrace each day with her as one more we share together in this thing called life.  I need to appreciate today and worry less about tomorrow.

Those are my September lessons.  Care to share yours?  Let's end this post with some happiness. I give you:  "The Spitter."  Notice the wet shirt...


Amanda said...

Love her and you! You are right, there are so many decisions we have to make and you are doing a great job! You're an amazing mother and Karlyn is blessed to have you!

Jess said...

So many lessons & thoughts here. Remember all these swirls of thoughts for your next go-round. Let these things "keep" in your brain.

Love you & I'm glad you've got your little miss. Children are such wonderful gifts from God-- He uses them to teach us so many things.

Kati said...

Thanks Jess! Oh man, what a ride breastfeeding and weaning is. I will most certainly remember this for next time and try to let it play into my decisions. That why I like to blog about these things...so I can go back and re-read them when my memory gets fuzzy :>