I seriously love her. Last night we had this conversation:
"Karlyn, I would be sad if I didn't have you."
"I know. If I'm ever not here, it's because I'm at a sleepover. Or a date."
"I mean a play date, not a regular date. I was just kidding."
Yesterday I took a half-day off work and went and saw a movie. I got to pick my spot since I was the only one in the theater and then ponder whether this made me really cool or super lame. Luckily, two more people joined me but I still had the top middle to myself. If you don't have issues with where you sit in a movie theater I'm not sure we can be friends.
Anyways, I saw The Good Lie. And balled. like. a. baby. I really, really need someone else to go see this and tell me whether you cry or not. It doesn't have to be full on tears, just at least get a little misty-eyed and I'll feel better. I really thought it was going to be a happier flick but it was so good none the less. And maybe it was just the day, but for the first time really ever, I thought about adoption. In a positive way. Like in a, "hey, maybe we could adopt" kind of way.
I've been seeing my RE more lately. (reproductive endocrinologist) And we've kind of bonded. I definitely like him more than I did after our first consultation. We talk about jeans, and the purse I totally snagged on clearance, and he gives me extra hormones. It's fun. <hence the crying> So...yeah. I don't know. I don't know what's up ahead.
Sometimes I feel like I should apologize. Apologize for being mad a lot, for crying too much. For not being as involved as I should be. For not knowing what the heck I'm doing with my life. For thinking too much about it. For not having this amazing deep-rooted faith that says God's got this and I'm not worried about it. For not passing this test the way I should be. For being me.
But. I keep on. And on days when it gets too hard, I eat popcorn and Reese's for lunch and cry in a dark theater. Temporary cure but a good one.