Catching Up

Hey there. I'm still alive over here...just haven't been blogging.

So I'll try to catch up! Let's see...

We did have our appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. And then I cried afterwards. It was fine I guess and I'm glad that my OB's office warned me that he would be blunt and straightforward. Because he was. No hug around the neck, everything will be OK, let's get you pregnant pep talk. We sat around a table and he wrote down the most common causes of miscarriage, crossing off the things we had already looked into or tested for. We got to the bottom of the page and he wrote,

"I don't know."

Apparently "I don't know" is the point that we are getting to in this journey. He wrote out a timeline of what we would do next. Basically one last little test and then another medicated cycle. This time with more monitoring and some steroids and injections to help keep my body from attacking the baby in the early, early stages. Because that may be what's happening. He said a lot of times this works. But if we do all this and still miscarry, we could think about in vitro. That really threw me for a loop because I didn't think in vitro would even be in the cards for us. Not that it will be, but just the mention of it. I don't know.

Our visit was short - about thirty minutes long and as we stood in the parking lot afterwards I cried. Then the doctor almost ran us over trying to leave. I'm probably exaggerating but in that moment I decided that's what was happening. I'm sure in reality he was headed to another appointment because he operates out of several clinics. After that Ryan headed back to work and I numbed my emotions with In-N-Out and Yogurtland. Yep.

Ryan couldn't understand why I was less than enthused about the whole thing but I started thinking, I think he was probably more OK with it because they're both men. The doctor laid things out in a very non-emotional this is what we'll do kind of way and isn't that what guys do? Try to fix our problems. Anyways.

Remember when I talked about wanting to compete? Well I started working out, gathering info, found a friend to do it with me, and then I started not doing so great. I wasn't sleeping and whenever that happens, other things start to go downhill fast. I decided it wasn't worth wrecking my health over when it seemed my body was screaming HECK NO to my attempts. I called my friend and we both said, yeah, maybe not. Then I went to Target yesterday...and thought ya know...I still kind of want to do it.

Must have been the dressing room lighting and a slight back muscle making an appearance - or something like that - but I left and hit the gym for an hour of legs. I did back today. I told myself that I needed to decide by this weekend. This Saturday is 12 weeks out from the show I would do. And even though registration is not open yet, about now is when I'd need to start tightening things down and dieting somewhat. Not to lose weight...but to eat with a plan. I did get a meal plan from a semi-coach/competitor so I at least have a guideline to go by. I'm still haven't decided 100% and am giving myself another 4 weeks to do so. In the meantime, I'm going to act like I am doing it. My sleep has gotten a lot better and my body stopped freaking out on me. It does that occasionally. :-0 So I will definitely be keeping an eye on that.

I go back and forth. I'm like, yeah. I can do this. Sure I don't think I'll place and clearly I don't have years of muscle under my belt but I could do it. Other times I look in the mirror and think ha! You're kidding right?

12 weeks. 84 days. That's enough time to see improvements though right? And if nothing else, I can say I did it. For the experience. For the rush I get every time I finish lifting weights. Because I really do love it.

I really don't know how I feel about doing another medicated cycle. This time with MORE MEDICATION. And injections. How fun. It's just not something I'm super excited about right now or really looking forward to. But that could change. I've been a little all over the place lately and I think honestly - I've been this way after each of our losses. A little bit lost, a little bit bored, a little bit of wanting something different. Some where do I go from here and a whole lot of I don't know how much more I can handle.

I want to cut my hair. I want to sell all the baby stuff. But I can't do that because I sit in the middle of the room going through it all with tears running down my face. I want to take on challenges. But I doubt myself. I want to make a difference but I have a strong fear that my life is being wasted.

I hate getting into ruts (although ironically I love consistency) and at times I feel like the last two years has been one long rut. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "God I'm done. I'm done with this." What the heck does that even mean? God's not going anywhere and as much as I think I might like to escape it all, I continue to sit right in the middle of it. Not moving, it seems. Stuck. I want to get un-stuck. I'm just not sure what that looks like.