I haven't been handling things very well lately.
I'm just tired.
I'm tired of hoping, tired of trying, tired of waiting for some supposed rainbow at the end of all this. I just feel like I'm losing faith. That I'm not "learning what I'm supposed to learn" from these trials or maybe I'm being punished for something. I watch my friends pop out 2nd and 3rd babies, have babies close together and I feel bitterness start to crop up. I wonder if it's naive to think that good follows bad. That everything will work out for the good, when it doesn't look like it is. Is this supposed to draw me into deeper faith? Because it's extremely hard to stay in that place and keep on keeping on.
When hundreds, thousands of people watch as a family loses their baby - again - is that supposed to bring glory to God? I'm talking about Kaden. These are just honest thoughts that I have.
Ryan told me the other day that sometimes you have to be "mentally tough." He wasn't referring to our circumstances but I can't get that phrase out of my head. I don't feel mentally tough. I feel mentally beat down. Mentally puny.
I'm tired of crying at every sermon, at my desk at work. I'm tired of wanting so badly to throw my energy into something ELSE but being unable to. I remember in 2012 just wanting the year to end and now I find myself sinking into that same rut. Just let it be over. Maybe next year.
I'm not trying to be depressing here although I'm sure it reads that way. We have some good new things coming but the only thing I want seems to evade me. And I don't understand.
4 comments:
Just now reading this...
Sounds like God has you in the crucible. It is not an easy place to be. I spent a lot of time in James 1 and in the Psalms when we kept getting slammed by storms. You probably have already thought of this but perhaps Jamie would be a good person to ask for specific, biblical encouragement, since they went through a season of struggling to have another baby after Lindy?
(((hugs))) I'm sorry you're hurting. I do believe that God has used the doctrinal dogmatism of my grandfather, the disowning my mother received while we were growing up, my father-in-law's death, my husband's (still) unexplained sickness, us having to leave the place we loved (China) and go to a place we did not love, three miscarriages, and some recent rejection and criticism... all for our good. I really do look back and see God's refining hand in it. James 1 talks about the purposes of suffering being to produce character in us... God really means to sharpen and shape us in the crucible. It's hot in there... it hurts in there... but it is for our good.
He is making us into sanctified, holy people, set apart for Him so that we can be more useful to Him and more useful in the lives of others. People who have not suffered can not successfully minister to a suffering, groaning world.
Hebrews tells us that no discipline is pleasant at the time, but that it produces a harvest of righteousness in those who have been trained by it. He is disciplining (teaching/training) you in ways that will ultimately lead to your good if you do not give up. Lean in to your Father. Trust His good motives and His bigger vision.
Press on, persevere! Sit and cry in the service. But keep pressing into the Savior who knows our hurts, sees every hidden thing in our hearts, and loves us and lavishes grace on us. Trust Him. Lean in to Him. He means it for your good.
I'm so so sorry. I bet writing this out helped a bit. You are iin my thoughts and prayers. I know I've also been questioning a lot of things lately, too. Feeling unsure is no fun, but it gives us an opportunity to grow in our faith. Hang in there. One day at a time. XOXO
Ariel,
It does help to write it out. The emotions didn't feel as pent up afterward and I can face them more head-on. Thanks for the encouragement!
Jessica,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words and wise counsel. I really do appreciate it. I will re-read what you've written and apply it and try to take it to heart. It helps knowing others have been there and come through the fires.
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