I haven't been handling things very well lately.
I'm just tired.
I'm tired of hoping, tired of trying, tired of waiting for some supposed rainbow at the end of all this. I just feel like I'm losing faith. That I'm not "learning what I'm supposed to learn" from these trials or maybe I'm being punished for something. I watch my friends pop out 2nd and 3rd babies, have babies close together and I feel bitterness start to crop up. I wonder if it's naive to think that good follows bad. That everything will work out for the good, when it doesn't look like it is. Is this supposed to draw me into deeper faith? Because it's extremely hard to stay in that place and keep on keeping on.
When hundreds, thousands of people watch as a family loses their baby - again - is that supposed to bring glory to God? I'm talking about Kaden. These are just honest thoughts that I have.
Ryan told me the other day that sometimes you have to be "mentally tough." He wasn't referring to our circumstances but I can't get that phrase out of my head. I don't feel mentally tough. I feel mentally beat down. Mentally puny.
I'm tired of crying at every sermon, at my desk at work. I'm tired of wanting so badly to throw my energy into something ELSE but being unable to. I remember in 2012 just wanting the year to end and now I find myself sinking into that same rut. Just let it be over. Maybe next year.
I'm not trying to be depressing here although I'm sure it reads that way. We have some good new things coming but the only thing I want seems to evade me. And I don't understand.