This weekend was a little emotionally charged for me. I didn't sleep great Friday or Saturday night and then our pastor preached a sermon Sunday morning on abortion. Just hearing all the words...fetus, life, death. A lady sang a song during the offering and that's when the dam broke. I couldn't hold back the tears as she sang "A Baby's Prayer" and "if I should die before I wake."
Every scene from the miscarriage came flooding and I was right back there in our bed, weeping over our loss. I can play it all out in my mind and gosh it hurts. A part of me wanted to leave right after church and just go bawl my eyes out somewhere. Four hours of sleep wasn't helping either, but we went to Sunday School. Two different couples in our class announced they are pregnant. This is really good news! It was just kind of crazy because both of them told us they'd been trying for a while and both of them went through a miscarriage earlier in the year. It made me realize once again what a private grief it is when it happens. Who do you tell? How do you deal? I'm so happy for them and what redemption.
I've been a bit stressed lately over a few health issues I'm dealing with and last week went to a doctor and a PT. I'm seeing the physical therapist for a few weeks and am really hoping it helps. I hate having something where I don't feel my best and it's frustrating that at 29, I sometimes feel like I'm falling apart. I'm already hoping that 30 plays a little bit nicer as this hasn't been my best year.
I came across something today that I'd saved. I copied it from a friend's facebook page because it spoke so much to me and a lot of what I feel like I'm going through.
...that He allows adversity in our lives to get us where we need to be. One thing that really stood out was that he said, if you have children, you have adversity in your lives. Adversity is something that God allows to point us toward Him. We know that our God is a god of blessing and often times we think that when adversity comes its our enemy. Many times it is. When we are in sin, adversity comes as a consequence but many times we just do not know how to behave and adversity comes to point us towards emotional healing and getting us to where we need to be. Some can simply read the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, kindness, gentless and self-control and its a done deal yet many of us need God working to teach us how to be kind, gentle, joyful and self-controlled. I would be the latter. So we have a choice. We can see our adversity as something to get through while relying on our old defense mechanisms or we can set it all aside and come to God asking WHAT He is trying to say to us. Don't worry, if we don't get it the first time, He loves us so much and wants what is best for us that He will allow us to take the test again. I don't know about you but I do not like adversity when I am in the middle of it but when I am on the other side and I am more like HIM, my life is much more joyful and peaceful and I am thankful.
It's the testing again part that gets me. I hate it. I feel like I completely 100% failed it the first time and guess what? It's not any more fun the second time. But God is still God and I'm not. He's still got a plan and I need to walk by faith. I'd much rather DO something than sit still. I would rather be working towards a goal then letting him speak to my heart. I don't want to chunk the rest of this year out the window. I need to be present and walk through it.
From another friend~
"Stop trying so hard to leave the season God has you in...you're in this season for a reason. Walk with God and find out why."