A sober reminder

Wow.  I don't know what to say.  I'm sitting here in tears after reading a blog post.  Written by a football player. 

14 people have commented on his post.  Not 164, just 14.  Every single person needs to read this.

I'm not sure why I'm crying, or that I even have the courage to write what I'm about to.  I have so wanted to quit before.  Quit my job, quit my marriage, quit thinking about writing, quit trying.

I guess I haven't talked about this before on my blog and I know those closest to me know, but I have struggled with depression.  And still do sometimes.  I can say it runs in my family.  I can say my personality (melancholy) lends itself to a pessimistic outlook.  I can be the happiest person on earth it seems and the next day be lower than low.  I HAVE said this before, that sleep or lack of greatly affects my outlook.  If I'm tired, everything is wrong and just adds to any hard circumstance I might be going through.

I have never tried to end my life.  But I have thought about it.  Not seriously, but in a sad, woe is me type of thinking.  I'll share something though.  March 13 was one week before my birthday this month, one week before I turned 28.  I really don't know why, but the few days leading up the the 13th weren't great ones.  I didn't sleep well Saturday night and by Sunday afternoon, it was pretty bad.  I kept thinking about it.  Good grief, I was even holding Karlyn and crying...I feel silly even writing this.  But I was contemplating what the world would look like without me, and if I wanted to keep trying.  Does that sound ridiculous?  I have an amazing husband, a beautiful baby girl, a good job, a nice house, a wonderful family who loves me, and a God who has saved me.  And I wasn't sure. 

I don't say any of this to get pity or praise or pats on the back of "Oh Kati, we love you!"  I share it because 10 minutes ago, my blog wouldn't open up.  It kept giving me internet errors and wouldn't let me write the post I had planned to about Karlyn's 3 month update.  I clicked on my browser arrow, saw the Baron Batch site, and remembered that Ryan has told me I HAD to read this post.  So I did and I cried.  And I realized, not for the first time, that every single event, circumstance, action, and reaction has a ripple and an effect on someone else's life.  I'm so glad I'm sitting right here on this couch while my sweet baby swings away sleeping.

How easy is it to think that a simple choice doesn't matter?  I had been pondering giving up on my blog again...I didn't have the time.  What did I have to write about anyways?  I don't get 164 comments on my posts. :>  But I do want to write.  And maybe someday, something I write will have an affect on someone else's life.  And that's worth living for.


Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun said...

I love you. I just wanted to say that and I hope you know it. You're a wonderful person. Hugs!

Amanda Estes said...

I'm so thankful we are friends! You are an Amazing Mother! Love ya :)

Jenny said...

Never stop writing because we all love hearing what you have to say :) You're wonderful girl!