babies

I had a Friday Faves post ready to write but I just can't now.

Tonight I read Diana's birth story of sweet baby Kaden. 18 months ago, she met and lost her precious boy after losing twins prior to that.

My heart breaks.

The pictures.

The story.

Why?

How is that fair?

Why didn't she get to keep that child and raise him? How will their story end? Will Bella ever become a big sister? Is this God working "all things together for their good"...and for His glory?

*****

I've really been OK with the whole baby thing lately. Coming off our fourth loss at Thanksgiving, all I wanted (other than to keep the pregnancy of course) was a break. No more fertility drugs. No more ovulation tests. No more arguing and stress.

Karlyn is getting to the age where she realizes she's the only one. Twice now I've picked her up from school and been met with tears, asking for a sleepover with one of her school friends, and...

"I don't want to be the only kid."

Crushing. Tears in my eyes as I try to explain that we've tried. That we want a baby just as badly as she does but that it hasn't happened yet.

"Why isn't God answering our prayer, she says?"

It just hits me now and then. Driving down the bridge to church, looking at our friends' baby pictures.

"I want a baby", I say to the empty space.

And then...maybe I'll buy a couple tests. Ya know...just...to have. Maybe we can kind of try but not really. I'm not going to count days. But...wait, what day is it? Because you know, it never leaves. The desire to have another baby never goes away. You don't stop counting, you don't stop paying attention, even when you try not to. Your hand just picks up the pen and before you know it, you're marking up the calendar just as a...reference. And you think yeah, this year is going to be a break. We're taking a break.

but what if it happens?

i wish it would.

maybe.

hope.