I wrote this post two weeks ago and I've been following Diana's facebook page for updates on Baby Kaden ever since. My heart broke when I read her status this morning after I got up. She said that Baby Kaden was going home to Jesus and that her husband Sam was on his way to Children's from El Paso. I thought, no Lord! And started crying. I feel connected to this family, to this mom even though I've never met her. I don't really know her. I wanted to stop getting ready for church and just sob for this momma but we were running late and I had to keep moving.
At church I found it hard to sing because I just kept thinking about this mom, waiting for her husband at a hospital not so far away, watching her son begin to slip away. And the choruses kept rolling...God you are so good. All is well.
Maybe I feel so much right now because I kind of know what she's going through? No, I never got to meet my miscarriage babies or deliver them, or even carry one to 20 weeks like Diana did with her twins. But it still hurt. It hurt to carry the first one for six weeks and lose it. It hurt to carry the second one for ten weeks and find out that at nine weeks, the baby stopped growing. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't compare. Someone might say, Kati that's not the same thing. But my heart wrenches because I can only imagine how much she wants to bring this baby home after losing her twins. I cry because I know how you get your hopes up. And you think, Dear God - there is no way I'll have to go through this. Again. God is too good for that.
I dare not think or say the things people are often apt to say in times like this.
"Well, you know God has a plan."
"At least you still have (insert living child's name)"
"It just wasn't meant to be."
I know the heart behind those statements is kind and well-meaning but all a mother who has lost a child wants to hear is, "I'm so so sorry. This really sucks. I can't imagine what you're going through and it's not fair and it's not good." And then they need a hug.
I wish I could hug Diana right now. I wish I understood what God is doing through all of this. I wish that Kaden was 100% healthy and that they were heading home right now.
We watched a Duck Dynasty episode after lunch today that we had taped. It was the one where Phil and Kay renew their vows and everyone plans a "real wedding" for them. I cried during the ceremony. Because it was sweet - but I think I was really just crying for Kaden. Because I don't want this to be their ending, and the way the story goes.
I cried because I'm waiting to see what happens in our story. Because I know that as much as I want to see those two pink lines, I know as soon as I do the chance for loss is there again. And I don't know how to do that. How to live that. Diana and Sam and baby Kaden's story reminds me that nothing is promised. And life ISN'T fair. And sometimes is seems like God isn't answering our prayers or that He doesn't care.
Life may look like that but we have to rest in the truth that He is who He says He is. Beyond that, there will always be questions. There will always be hurt.
Her last update just a couple of hours ago said that Kaden is hanging on but not by very much. The doctor's don't expect more than a day or so out of him. I'll continue to pray for this family and all they have been through. It is beyond our comprehension.
I'm not going to end with a Bible verse that sums it all up in a nice little package. Because life doesn't always wrap up with pretty ribbon and a happy ending. The one thing we can cling to is that God does love us and He knows and sees our pain.